Yes...I'm a nerd

I’m a biology major. I find pretty much anything related to science pretty fascinating (Except physics. As much as I love science, that’s how much I hate math. Ha!). I’ve always been especially interested in the body. I love how so many things that could possibly go wrong don’t. I love sharing “today’s nerdy moment” with my friends.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not a nerd. I’m seriously a BIG nerd. For example, I’m in botany this semester. Now whenever I go running or am walking on campus, I find myself looking a little closer at the plant life around me. I’ll literally stop to examine a flower to see if I can identify the organs or other characteristics. Or I’ll try to see if I can distinguish between a male or female pine cones. I’m no botanist, but I’ve learned to appreciate the science and beauty behind a budding stem. I’m also in histology right now. I remember in anatomy when my teacher was drawing taste buds on the board and I thought, “there is no way taste buds seriously look like that. That is so dumb.” And then when we looked at slides of them, they really did look like that! I loved it!






School has always been important to me. It would also be a lie if I said don’t find my worth in my grades. It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. Since I was pretty young, grades have defined who I am and my worth. It’s hard not to care so much when your identity is tied to being a student, and when you devote so much time and energy into studies. Getting anything other than an A was unacceptable in my eyes. Luckily, I got my first B’s last year, and since then, God has been showing me that my true worth is found in Him-nothing and no one else. Last Friday I got a grade on my histology test that I was really disappointed in. I was really angry at myself. I wasn’t enough. About 20 minutes after class, I opened up Francis Chan’s book, Crazy Love. I came to this line and read and re-read it:

“The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing God treasures us.”

It really put my studies in perspective in that moment. It's great knowing how chemical reactions occur, how and why macrophages engulf foreign particles, how plants photosynthesize, what a benzene ring looks like, how acceleration affects velocity, the structures of a planaria, the functions of organelles, how DNA synthesis occurs…etc. Getting good grades is nice. But knowing that I am valued by the creator of the universe is so much better! Are grades still important to me? Yes. But I'm learning that worth cannot be found in them. Thank goodness for a father who doesn’t base his love for us on a grade.

He's beckoning...

Two close friends of mine and I decided to read through the bible chronologically. I have always been intimidated by the bible itself and by people who are knowledgeable about it. For years, I used the same excuses for not diving into the Word: It’s too confusing; it’s too long; I don’t have time to read the bible and my textbooks. But about a year ago, I began feeling a nudge from the Holy Spirit to read the bible regularly. When my friends told me what they were doing, I saw it as an opportunity to finally do what the Lord had been asking.

It’s only been a few months, but I have enjoyed it more than I ever imagined. In fact, I find myself actually craving it more and more. I remember when I finished Genesis, I was so excited because I’d never read an entire book of the bible- not even 3 John. The best part was that I understood what I had read. Yes, there were genealogies and names that were confusing at times, but I had the general idea. And if I was confused, I’d discuss it with my friends. Most of the time we’d be confused about the same things, and we’d compare footnotes, examine different versions of our bibles, and talk about verses that stuck out to us.

Of the many characters that have been introduced thus far, Moses has been my favorite. At first I was jealous of Moses (like many of the other Israelites) because God spoke to him directly. In fact, a footnote in my bible says that God communicated with Moses in more than 20 ways and over 150 times. That blew my mind when I read that. Isn’t that what we all long for?

There are things about Moses that are easy to relate to. He messed up when he killed an Egyptian. We’ve messed up too. Moses was asked by God to lead His enslaved people out of bondage, though he had doubts and insecurities. When the Lord asks us to do things we don’t think we are able to accomplish, we are reluctant too. But Moses was obedient to what God asked him to do and say to the Israelites. What I found most interesting about Moses is that one sin kept him out of the Promised Land, though he had spent forty years putting up with the Israelites’ complaints and rebellions. God shows no favoritism. He even threatens to wipe out all of the Israelites for their disobedience.

If there is one central idea to what these four books I’ve read so far, it is obedience. God does not ask us to be obedient…He demands it. He is dead serious about it. Even though he chose Moses to act on His behalf, He did not hold him to different standards. Whatever the precise reasons, instructions, or circumstances, we need to understand that God commands our complete obedience.

I’m so guilty of ignoring God. I avoid Him when he calls me away from schoolwork, my computer, or friends to spend time with him in the Word or in prayer. I don’t forgive when He asks me to. I hold on to lies when He asks me to believe in His truths. God does not ask us to do all these things to take away from our having fun. God wants us to experience life abundantly.

Obedience is not easy. But whatever He's beckoning you do to, I pray you'll listen. He has your best interest in mind.

More than just a companion

If there is one thing that has been on my heart more than anything else this year, it has been friendship. We were created for significant and meaningful relationships. We have a deep-seeded need to love and to be loved. God even said “it’s not good for man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). That’s why He blesses us with friends. What’s better than spending time with the people who know you? Being with the people who really understand you – your fears, struggles, triumphs, hopes, frustrations, and dreams – is so encouraging and freeing.

But we have all experienced heartbreak in friendships, too. We intentionally or unintentionally have hurt or been hurt by others’ words, actions, or lack thereof. It could be annoying or incredibly painful. We’ve all experienced both. Obviously friendships, and any relationship for that matter, are complicated. Unfortunately, there are some things about relationships that work against us:

1. We’re human. We mess up. We get jealous. We say things we don’t mean. We do stupid things. We take things the wrong way.
2. Relationships are risky. There will always be a chance that we will be hurt, exposed to who we really are, and disappointed. We don’t want to be misunderstood or rejected.
3. Relationships are hard. They’re really, really hard. They demand time, effort, patience, vulnerability, and understanding. It’s easy and tempting to give up on them. I’m guilty of this too.

I’ve learned more about friendship in the last year and a half than ever have before. Through specific friendships, God has shown me what it means to have a friend, to be a friend, and to adjust to changing friendships.

Like everyone, I have been hurt by friendships. The one that affected me more than any other was my childhood best friend. Some of my happiest memories are of us growing up. We knew everything about each other. She was my sister. One day in middle school, she decided she didn’t want to be my friend any more. It honestly broke my heart. For eight years I have racked my brain wondering why. And even though I’ve asked her, I’m still left without answers.

Fast forward to my sophomore year in college, I was blessed to have three solid Christian women pouring into me. They encouraged me to get into the Word and to be authentic in my relationships. They were more than willing to listen, answer questions, and speak truth. They taught me so much about what it meant to be a woman of God and a friend through their actions and words. It was the first time I had been truly vulnerable since my childhood best friend. But change is inevitable. They graduated and moved on to bigger and better things. They were still close friends of mine (and still are), but it was different not having them around. I had to adapt, which was much more difficult than I had anticipated. I was mad at God for putting these amazing friends into my life, then taking them out of it. What was the point of being authentic and honest with people if they were just going to leave? My guard went up and loneliness became my true friend. Friendship, I determined, was just too hard. Why try so hard?

Before school started last summer, I began praying for a freshman I could pour into and with whom I could develop a solid friendship that was Christ-centered. I wanted to be the kind of friend those girls were to me for someone else. I met her that fall, and we hit it off from the start. God faithfully answered my prayer, but not the way I wanted. She was pouring into me and encouraging me like my friends from the previous year. This scared me. I couldn’t bare the idea of being honest with someone again and then something happening-like she wouldn’t want to be my friend suddenly, or she’d leave and take a piece of me with her.

This year, I’ve sensed him working in this particular friendship more than any other. In the short time that I’ve known her, God has really revealed himself through her and reminded me of so many truths. Through her, I’m reminded that the Lord doesn’t give up on me and pursues me though I’ve tried to walk away. I’m reminded of His forgiveness though I say and do hurtful things (“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you” – Eph. 4:32). I’m reminded of His patience when I mess up. When lies flood my thoughts- “you’re too much and not enough”- I’m reminded of the truth of His Word when she encourages me with a bible verse. (“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” –Eph. 4:29). But more than anything else, I’m learning about trust. When my friend says she will be my friend no matter what, I have to trust her.

I have to trust the Lord that He has a perfect plan for me. I need to believe that the road I’m on is for a reason. I have to trust that what He says is true. And I honestly believe that I am.

I wanted to share my feelings on friendships because we have all experienced the pain and joy that comes with them. I want to encourage you to reflect on your own friendships. Which ones hurt you the most? Which ones do you cherish the most? Why? Do your real friends forgive you and encourage you? I pray that there is someone in your life with whom you are 100% you. I hope that you seek to be the kind of friend that Jesus has been to us-patient, attentive, and forgiving.

Thank goodness for friends who know us and love us anyway. Thank goodness we have a savior who does the same and more.

Psalm 73:26

It was my new year’s resolution for 2010 that I write my sick aunt a letter once a month. I sent her my last letter a few weeks ago. My aunt died this week from Huntington’s disease. Most people aren’t very familiar with it. Only 1 in every 10,000 people has it. Huntington’s disease is a degeneration of neurons in the brain because of a mutated gene. The symptoms are similar to Parkinson’s: uncontrolled, jerky movements in the limbs and face. But Huntington’s also includes loss of intellect, memory, ability to speak, and changes in behavior, like irritability, moodiness, restlessness. A person may have difficulty learning new things, remembering a fact, or making a decision. Eventually the person requires constant medical care and becomes bedridden and isolated. Most people die of choking or malnutrition because it becomes so difficult to swallow. Suicide is also high among people who have Huntington’s. There’s no cure. The only treatment is to slow its progression with medication. People can suffer 10-25 years.

If one of your parents has Huntington’s disease, you have a 50% chance of inheriting the gene. My grandmother had it. She had four children. My aunt had it. I know my dad has it, but he won’t talk about it. That means my sister and I have a 50% chance. I realized all of this about four years ago, and since then I’ve had this feeling in my gut that I have it too. I can’t really describe this feeling. It’s not a peace that I feel. It’s like I know it in my heart, but my head needs proof.

I could get tested. It would be easy. But the repercussions may not be worth it. I’d likely face genetic discrimination by an insurance company or an employer if they knew about the results. Obviously getting tested is a risk. So I keep asking myself, is knowing it just in my heart enough?

Is it enough to change the way I see my education? My career? My family? My friendships? What if I was in a relationship with someone? Would I tell him? Would he call it all off if I did? Would it be morally wrong if I didn’t tell him at all? Would I want to risk passing it on to my children? Would it even be worth it to know it now at such a young age?

I’ve been seriously questioning what it is exactly that I want out my life. I’ve started asking myself the questions I like to ignore, like what’s next? What opportunities do I need to seize? What are my priorities? Where do I want to go and how to get there? What risks do I want to take? What’s my purpose? What are my fears and how do I conquer them? What are my dreams? Who do I want to meet? Who do I want to be?

One question in particular keeps pounding in my head. Should I begin living my life as if I have this disease when my heart knows but my head doesn’t have the test results to confirm it? A 50% chance seems so real. If I knew 100% that I had it, would I be angry and ask why? Or would I accept it and ask what now? Do I really want to know? Do I need to know? I realize that I have so many questions and worries about this, but I find great comfort in this verse:

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26.

My brain and my body will degenerate, but I will cling to the Lord. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to see, so many people I want to meet before the days come when- like my beloved aunt- I can’t be still enough to even read a letter from my niece.

Memories

Memories. Some can be so wonderful, and others not so much. But you know those memories when your heart was so full you almost couldn’t bear it? Those memories that make you smile when you recall them? I love those. It’s the beginning of another year and I’m a very sentimental person. I think back on the past year- about things that were good and things that weren’t. For me, the year 2010 included trips, special events, and holidays. But it also included times when I didn’t do anything at all, and I simply spent time with the people I love so much, and I simply enjoyed being in their presence. My memories of 2010 include:

-Going to Colorado on Spring Break and staying in a cabin with friends
-Getting baptized
-Going to barn dances and not caring what a ridiculous dancer I was
-Playing ultimate frisbee
-Running the Lincoln half-marathon with my dad
-Watching the old and new Pride and Prejudice with my friends Amanda and Chrissy
-Hanging out at my friends’ Kristen and Jenna’s cabin and fishing
-Seeing my friend Lauren get married
-Visiting my friend Jorji at her home in the Nebraska countryside
-Going to the Big Stone Lake for our annual CHS reunion to see family friends
-Going to Breckinridge, CO with my family and seeing family friends
-Hiking with my dad in Colorado
-Wading into the Eagle River in Colorado with my sister
-Watching softball games with Amanda and Chrissy on summer nights
-Seeing my friend Jenn return from being in China for the summer at the airport
-Watching The Office with my parents on summer nights
-Going to the College World Series with friends and my dad on summer nights
-Celebrating my 21st at Buffalo Wild Wings with friends
-Running and training for the Des Moines Marathon with my dad
-Going to the Tenth Avenue North concert with friends in Sioux City
-Going to Husker football games with my dad
-Taking walks with friends around campus
-Going on runs in the evening and witnessing the most beautiful sunsets
-Jamming out to songs while driving with friends
-Spending snow days in the dorms
-Laughing my butt off with my aunt, sister, mom, and grandma during Thanksgiving break
-Hanging out, watching movies, tv, talking and receiving encouraging notes and card from friends throughout the year

My memories of 2010 mean nothing to you, but these memories that I've listed, big or small, mean everything to me. I hope that you have your own special memories that make you smile when you think back on this past year. I hope that you can recall the moments where you almost burst from happiness; moments when the only words that seem right are "thank you." I hope you can recall times when you were so content in that instance in time, that it became etched into your brain forever. Memories like those are gifts from the Lord and are reminders that his love is for real. Happy New Year to you.

Higher

It’s that time of year again-when schedules for the next semester are published. When there are so many requirements to be met. When I’m expected to exactly where I’m going and what I’m doing with my life. So many times I have asked God what I’m supposed to do. Help others? To better myself? To get married? To make money and support a family? To leave this world a better place? I think these are all good goals, but instead of asking the Lord to tell me what I’m supposed to do, I should let Him use me. Isaiah 55:9 has been on my mind all this week:

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

The more I feel myself striving to understand what He has called me to do, the more I feel myself distancing from Him. When I try to “figure it all out,” I’m blinded, unable to see how He is moving. He asks us to give up our own plans so He can use us without restraint.

Instead of asking him what I’m supposed to do, I have started asking where my passions lie and for whom. And more and more I’m discovering that my passion, my purpose, the focus of my life is so much simpler than I thought. All I want is to enjoy Him and to joyfully honor Him with my words, my actions, my life.

If you’re struggling with this, I pray that you will give your worries to the Lord, and remember that He is using you. Remember that through the Holy Spirit he is using us in some way-whether we realize it or not.

So I’m going to try to be patient and have faith. He will tell me where to go when I need to go. He will tell me what to do when I need to do it. He will tell me what I need to know when I need to know it. His timing is perfect.

So I'll do my best to surrender my ways. They're not my own. I’m yours.

He is faithful

After 16 weeks of training, I’m happy to report that the marathon was a success, and dad and I finished in just under five and a half hours. We couldn’t have asked for a better day: a crisp morning, a light breeze, no rain, and all sunshine. Amongst the 1600 marathoners, there were some pretty amazing people running in the race. I met two women in their late sixties who had run a marathon in every state, another woman who had run 89 (this one was her 90th!), a blind man, a fourteen-year-old girl, and a few other father-daughter pairs.

I won’t lie though, miles 18-24 were pretty rough. At that point in the run, I was seriously questioning if I could finish, and physically, I was beginning to really fatigue. My legs had never been so stiff. As a biology student, I’ve read about lactic acid and anaerobic respiration, but I really understand it now. There’s no way I would have gotten through those miles without my dad or the Lord. At miles 24 and 25, I got kind of emotional. I felt like I was slowing my dad down, I was in pain, and doubting myself and my God. I just asked Him over and over to help me-to just get me to that next water stand, to that next mile marker, to the finish line. And he was faithful, as usual. At the finish line, there was hot pizza-it has never tasted so good.

Since the race got over, I’ve been kind of bummed. I miss getting up early for long runs on Saturdays. I miss catching up with my dad on those runs. I miss relaxing in the whirlpool after a long run. I miss post-run coffee. I miss crossing off the weeks until raceday. I had worked for something bigger than myself for four months. I felt like I had a purpose, like I was working for something meaningful. And now, I’m back to feeling lost. I have no clue what I want to do after college. I don’t really know what I’m good at or what I’m truly passionate about. Several of my friends are dating or getting married soon-I’ve never had a serious boyfriend. I haven’t felt motivated to seek the Lord lately. I often find myself alone, thinking, praying, or studying. But I’m determined to just not worry, and let whatever is meant to happen…happen.

Sometimes I can’t believe I did it-something that seemed so impossible. But I did, but only with the Lord’s help. But after doing this marathon, I’ve realized that I rely too much on things and people to bring me through difficult situations. I depend on my friends to lift me up. I throw myself into my schoolwork to forget life. I run to avoid my struggles. So why can’t I just rely on Him to bring me through WHEN I KNOW THAT HE WILL?

He is faithful. I need to hold onto it. I need to meditate on it. I need to BELIEVE it…