Meet Me Here

"If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." -Thomas Edison

I’m about to do something I never believed possible in 4 days. I can no longer tell people that my dad and I are doing a marathon in a few months or several weeks. Nope. It’s this weekend and I can’t believe it. I’ve been so blessed to have such supportive friends throughout these 15 weeks, asking me how my training is going or encouraging me. Several of them have asked me if I’m scared. Honestly, not yet. Once we get to Des Moines though, it will hit me. I've always struggled with self-confidence in anything I do, and I’m trying really hard to expect that God can do the unexpected.

Throughout my training, I’ve asked myself what my motivations are for doing this race. One of them is my dad. He ran 23 miles once, but an injury forced him to stop, and he never finished. I think it haunts him at times. He was so close. And I just really want to see him finish it. Training with my dad has been a really special experience for me, and I know I will look back fondly and treasure our time together. Another reason is for a close family friend, Joey. He died a year ago this month from brain cancer. He’d often ask us about our running events, and he always thought it was neat that my dad and I ran together. I’m also doing this because running a marathon is on my bucket list, and who doesn't like crossing things off of their list?

But the real reason I want to do this is to feel God in a way that I never have before. I want to feel what it’s like to be so physically drained that I have absolutely nothing left. And the only thing I can do to get me to the finish line is to call on the Lord and trust that He’ll bring me through when I don’t think I can handle anymore. I so often put God in a box and underestimate how big and strong he really is. If I can just get a glimpse of what it’s like to give all that I have left in me to Him, then maybe I can learn to rely on Him in other aspects of my life. And the next time I feel like something is impossible, I can call on this experience and remember his faithfulness. I want to feel what it’s like to seek Him and to have Him meet me exactly where I am-whether I’m struggling, waiting, or rejoicing.

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

I pray that you try to give your worries, your fears, your failures, your dreams- all of you- to Him. It is so much easier said than done and it will take effort, but I encourage you to give it a try. And I hope that by trusting Him, He’ll bring you through whatever you’re going through too.

Grace Like Rain

This has seriously been a tough two weeks. I just have not been myself at all. I’ve been distant from my family, my friends, and worst of all, my God. But I asked Him for this. Before this rough stretch started, I prayed for God to something big, anything to make me stop this sin. And God, being so faithful, answered my prayer and brought me to my knees. I’ve never felt so lonely, so joyless, or so miserable than I have lately. I’ve felt no motivation to do schoolwork, to be a friend, to be around people in general, or to do really anything. The lies that I’ve believed for so very long just pounded in my head all day for the past few weeks-until today…

One of my classes got out early, and I decided to go take a run before lunch. It was the first time all week that I’d had enough energy to even think about running let alone do it. So I decided to go run, regardless of the rain coming down. As I started to trot along my usual route, I prayed that I would feel Jesus in some way, and once again he answered. I kept praying for God to just let it pour. And then the song “Nothing but the Blood of Jesus” kept playing in my head, especially the line “What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus,” as the rain came down. And at about the end of the second mile, I just felt Him. I can’t explain it. I just had this peace that He was there with me, and it was overwhelming. Do you know how hard is to see with rain, hair, and tears in your eyes?! Thoughts about how much He loved me, how valuable I was to Him flooded me. I just kept saying that I didn’t want this sin anymore, that I was tired of being apart from Him, that I was finally ready to just let it go and to never look back. And He kept speaking to my heart for the entire 5 miles, whispering truths and giving me such a peace about what is about to happen next on this journey of mine.

Today, I was reminded that He is everything. He is in me. He is of me. He is mine, and I am His. I can’t ever outrun Him. He was in every rain drop that touched me, cleansing me of my worries, my fears, and my failures. It’s that kind of feeling that we long for every single day.

Be there

I have been blessed with amazing friends. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful. They often say exactly what I need to hear or do something thoughtful. They constantly encourage me by asking how my marathon training is going, how my classes are, how my day is going, or by making an effort to say hello in a crowd. And there are times when words are unnecessary, and their presence is enough. It’s the small things that matter the most. I enjoy spending time with them, hearing what’s going on in their life, and encouraging them as well. My friends are very near and dear to my heart.

But I have been a terrible friend lately. When I am struggling with something of my own, my friends are the last people I want to be around. My thoughts are consumed only by what is going wrong, and it’s difficult to focus on anything else. No one wants to be around a person like that, so I choose to simply distance myself from the people I love the most. It’s easier to stay in my own world, no matter how ugly my thoughts are. Yet my friends continue to offer kindness and encouragement. And I get so angry with myself, because I do not offer an ear to listen, a word of encouragement, thoughtfulness, or my presence. I deny them because their selflessness is too much for my selfishness. It breaks my heart that I treat them so poorly, because they don’t deserve that. And I’m sorry. I'm so afraid of losing them.

I'm tired of sitting in this feeling, waiting for God. But I’m stubborn, and I want to do things my own way. I’m caught somewhere between letting myself experience joy, and not allowing myself to feel anything. Between letting my friends in, and ignoring them. Between seeking the Lord with all that I am, and just living my life for myself. Between trusting Him with all of my fears, and worrying about things beyond my control. Between being obedient to God, and continuing to ignore what He is calling me to do. Between getting healthier, and continuing to make stupid choices. Between letting go, and clenching my fists.

But unless I give this to Him, unless I let it go, I’ll stay stuck in this nothingness, and I'll never become the woman God planned for me to be.

The same is true for you, friends.

In this moment

I’m in Avon, Colorado right now with my family this week. Since our arrival, I’ve been reminded of how much I love the outdoors. The air here is so different from home. It feels lighter, fresher, cleaner. The scent of the pine and spruce trees is invigorating and reenergizes me with each inhalation. It’s hot, but there’s no humidity or heaviness in the air. The sun is more intense, and I can almost feel my skin drinking in the sun’s individual rays. I waded into the Eagle River this afternoon with my sister. The rocks were slippery with plant residue and I almost tumbled into the icy water. The current was moving quickly over the stones and around me, and the sun sparkled brilliantly off the rocks and water. For just a moment I was still, taking it all in. The mountains. The scent of the wilderness. The babbling water. My soaked shorts. The numbing water. The aspen leaves dancing and shimmering in the wind. The breeze inviting in the afternoon rain clouds. I don’t want anything else in this moment, but to hold on to it. Because just like everyone else, my moments are fleeting…

What if?

If you were before me and pointed
Would I go?
If you told me of my beauty
Would I believe you?
If you described your love for me
Would I understand?
If you held me in your arms
Would I pull away?
If you asked me
Would I obey?
If you told me who will be my husband
Would I wait?
If you led me
Would I follow?

If I went
Would you come too?
If I believed
Would the lies stop?
If I understood
Would I love too?
If I didn’t pull away
Would you hold on tight?
If I obeyed
Would you protect me?
If I waited
Would it be real love?
If I followed
Would you never leave?

If I gave you my life
Would I live?

Solitude and Serenity

Things have been tough since my last post. I’m struggling with things at home, working about 7 days a week, and feel so far from friends and God. I haven’t had any fellowship or quiet time and it’s left me so empty and stuck.
I went to go see a friend of mine a few days ago (my only day off in weeks) who lives out in the country. I live in the city. I can handle the interstate and traffic but country roads and highways are terrifying. Why did I keep doubting God? I knew I was going to get there. If I got lost, I had a map and people to call, but I was incredibly anxious the whole way, and I didn’t enjoy the drive at all.
I was so relieved once I arrived in the small town where my friend went to high school. She, another good friend from school, and her cousin were there painting the school. I joined them and we painted, laughed, and caught up with each others’ lives. I began to feel myself relax a bit. Later we drove several country roads and arrived at her house- in the middle of nowhere. It was a beautiful home surrounded by large trees and farmland. Everything was so green. I could really feel the tension from work and home leaving me. My friends and I went to the golf course later in the evening. I had a blast playing a few holes and picking mulberries and eating them. It was a perfect outside-the fields, hills, sun, trees, sounds, and genuine friends. Life’s constraints were gone for a while, and it was freeing.
I zonked out early, exhausted from another week. We all got up at a decent time in the morning, and we spent It together just hanging out and talking. After lunch it was time for me to leave again. Oh crap…
But it was the most amazing drive of my life. God relieved my anxiety through my friend. She gave great directions and reassured me that I would be fine. And because of that, I noticed more things along the road home. Looking all around me, I found myself asking why I ever wanted to live by water or mountains. They were here in Nebraska. The fields were my ocean, the hills were my waves frozen in action and my mountaintops. I could picture God running his hands through the crops like girls do with their hair. Everything was so green, so alive. It was so perfect: speeding along the open road, singing to my favorite songs, and flying with the windows down and the sun shining.
I find it interesting that many people from rural communities or small towns often want to live in the city. But sometimes, all I want to do is get away from the city, work, and reality. That one day off was such a blessing. For a little more than 24 hours I escaped and embraced the peacefulness of open spaces. And because of my friends’ kindness, her family’s hospitality, and God’s faithfulness, I now have a better understanding of solitude and serenity, and long to have a little bit more of it.

I hope you find some too friends…

Gum

Do you ever have days where you just feel like a piece of gum? Chewed up, spit out, and thrown away (if you're lucky). It's just one of those days I guess. No purpose. No drive. No worth. I feel nothing.
I hate days like this. These lies in my head are on repeat, and I'm looking for the stop button. I know they aren't true. In my head, I understand they are false. But why are they so easy to believe?
I'm trying to remind myself that I may feel pathetic,worthless, and unloved, but in God's eyes I am capable, valuable, and loved more than I will ever understand. I've got to hold on to the truth.

Everyone has lies of their own that they hear. Don't believe them either friends...