Psalm 73:26

It was my new year’s resolution for 2010 that I write my sick aunt a letter once a month. I sent her my last letter a few weeks ago. My aunt died this week from Huntington’s disease. Most people aren’t very familiar with it. Only 1 in every 10,000 people has it. Huntington’s disease is a degeneration of neurons in the brain because of a mutated gene. The symptoms are similar to Parkinson’s: uncontrolled, jerky movements in the limbs and face. But Huntington’s also includes loss of intellect, memory, ability to speak, and changes in behavior, like irritability, moodiness, restlessness. A person may have difficulty learning new things, remembering a fact, or making a decision. Eventually the person requires constant medical care and becomes bedridden and isolated. Most people die of choking or malnutrition because it becomes so difficult to swallow. Suicide is also high among people who have Huntington’s. There’s no cure. The only treatment is to slow its progression with medication. People can suffer 10-25 years.

If one of your parents has Huntington’s disease, you have a 50% chance of inheriting the gene. My grandmother had it. She had four children. My aunt had it. I know my dad has it, but he won’t talk about it. That means my sister and I have a 50% chance. I realized all of this about four years ago, and since then I’ve had this feeling in my gut that I have it too. I can’t really describe this feeling. It’s not a peace that I feel. It’s like I know it in my heart, but my head needs proof.

I could get tested. It would be easy. But the repercussions may not be worth it. I’d likely face genetic discrimination by an insurance company or an employer if they knew about the results. Obviously getting tested is a risk. So I keep asking myself, is knowing it just in my heart enough?

Is it enough to change the way I see my education? My career? My family? My friendships? What if I was in a relationship with someone? Would I tell him? Would he call it all off if I did? Would it be morally wrong if I didn’t tell him at all? Would I want to risk passing it on to my children? Would it even be worth it to know it now at such a young age?

I’ve been seriously questioning what it is exactly that I want out my life. I’ve started asking myself the questions I like to ignore, like what’s next? What opportunities do I need to seize? What are my priorities? Where do I want to go and how to get there? What risks do I want to take? What’s my purpose? What are my fears and how do I conquer them? What are my dreams? Who do I want to meet? Who do I want to be?

One question in particular keeps pounding in my head. Should I begin living my life as if I have this disease when my heart knows but my head doesn’t have the test results to confirm it? A 50% chance seems so real. If I knew 100% that I had it, would I be angry and ask why? Or would I accept it and ask what now? Do I really want to know? Do I need to know? I realize that I have so many questions and worries about this, but I find great comfort in this verse:

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26.

My brain and my body will degenerate, but I will cling to the Lord. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to see, so many people I want to meet before the days come when- like my beloved aunt- I can’t be still enough to even read a letter from my niece.

Memories

Memories. Some can be so wonderful, and others not so much. But you know those memories when your heart was so full you almost couldn’t bear it? Those memories that make you smile when you recall them? I love those. It’s the beginning of another year and I’m a very sentimental person. I think back on the past year- about things that were good and things that weren’t. For me, the year 2010 included trips, special events, and holidays. But it also included times when I didn’t do anything at all, and I simply spent time with the people I love so much, and I simply enjoyed being in their presence. My memories of 2010 include:

-Going to Colorado on Spring Break and staying in a cabin with friends
-Getting baptized
-Going to barn dances and not caring what a ridiculous dancer I was
-Playing ultimate frisbee
-Running the Lincoln half-marathon with my dad
-Watching the old and new Pride and Prejudice with my friends Amanda and Chrissy
-Hanging out at my friends’ Kristen and Jenna’s cabin and fishing
-Seeing my friend Lauren get married
-Visiting my friend Jorji at her home in the Nebraska countryside
-Going to the Big Stone Lake for our annual CHS reunion to see family friends
-Going to Breckinridge, CO with my family and seeing family friends
-Hiking with my dad in Colorado
-Wading into the Eagle River in Colorado with my sister
-Watching softball games with Amanda and Chrissy on summer nights
-Seeing my friend Jenn return from being in China for the summer at the airport
-Watching The Office with my parents on summer nights
-Going to the College World Series with friends and my dad on summer nights
-Celebrating my 21st at Buffalo Wild Wings with friends
-Running and training for the Des Moines Marathon with my dad
-Going to the Tenth Avenue North concert with friends in Sioux City
-Going to Husker football games with my dad
-Taking walks with friends around campus
-Going on runs in the evening and witnessing the most beautiful sunsets
-Jamming out to songs while driving with friends
-Spending snow days in the dorms
-Laughing my butt off with my aunt, sister, mom, and grandma during Thanksgiving break
-Hanging out, watching movies, tv, talking and receiving encouraging notes and card from friends throughout the year

My memories of 2010 mean nothing to you, but these memories that I've listed, big or small, mean everything to me. I hope that you have your own special memories that make you smile when you think back on this past year. I hope that you can recall the moments where you almost burst from happiness; moments when the only words that seem right are "thank you." I hope you can recall times when you were so content in that instance in time, that it became etched into your brain forever. Memories like those are gifts from the Lord and are reminders that his love is for real. Happy New Year to you.

Higher

It’s that time of year again-when schedules for the next semester are published. When there are so many requirements to be met. When I’m expected to exactly where I’m going and what I’m doing with my life. So many times I have asked God what I’m supposed to do. Help others? To better myself? To get married? To make money and support a family? To leave this world a better place? I think these are all good goals, but instead of asking the Lord to tell me what I’m supposed to do, I should let Him use me. Isaiah 55:9 has been on my mind all this week:

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

The more I feel myself striving to understand what He has called me to do, the more I feel myself distancing from Him. When I try to “figure it all out,” I’m blinded, unable to see how He is moving. He asks us to give up our own plans so He can use us without restraint.

Instead of asking him what I’m supposed to do, I have started asking where my passions lie and for whom. And more and more I’m discovering that my passion, my purpose, the focus of my life is so much simpler than I thought. All I want is to enjoy Him and to joyfully honor Him with my words, my actions, my life.

If you’re struggling with this, I pray that you will give your worries to the Lord, and remember that He is using you. Remember that through the Holy Spirit he is using us in some way-whether we realize it or not.

So I’m going to try to be patient and have faith. He will tell me where to go when I need to go. He will tell me what to do when I need to do it. He will tell me what I need to know when I need to know it. His timing is perfect.

So I'll do my best to surrender my ways. They're not my own. I’m yours.

He is faithful

After 16 weeks of training, I’m happy to report that the marathon was a success, and dad and I finished in just under five and a half hours. We couldn’t have asked for a better day: a crisp morning, a light breeze, no rain, and all sunshine. Amongst the 1600 marathoners, there were some pretty amazing people running in the race. I met two women in their late sixties who had run a marathon in every state, another woman who had run 89 (this one was her 90th!), a blind man, a fourteen-year-old girl, and a few other father-daughter pairs.

I won’t lie though, miles 18-24 were pretty rough. At that point in the run, I was seriously questioning if I could finish, and physically, I was beginning to really fatigue. My legs had never been so stiff. As a biology student, I’ve read about lactic acid and anaerobic respiration, but I really understand it now. There’s no way I would have gotten through those miles without my dad or the Lord. At miles 24 and 25, I got kind of emotional. I felt like I was slowing my dad down, I was in pain, and doubting myself and my God. I just asked Him over and over to help me-to just get me to that next water stand, to that next mile marker, to the finish line. And he was faithful, as usual. At the finish line, there was hot pizza-it has never tasted so good.

Since the race got over, I’ve been kind of bummed. I miss getting up early for long runs on Saturdays. I miss catching up with my dad on those runs. I miss relaxing in the whirlpool after a long run. I miss post-run coffee. I miss crossing off the weeks until raceday. I had worked for something bigger than myself for four months. I felt like I had a purpose, like I was working for something meaningful. And now, I’m back to feeling lost. I have no clue what I want to do after college. I don’t really know what I’m good at or what I’m truly passionate about. Several of my friends are dating or getting married soon-I’ve never had a serious boyfriend. I haven’t felt motivated to seek the Lord lately. I often find myself alone, thinking, praying, or studying. But I’m determined to just not worry, and let whatever is meant to happen…happen.

Sometimes I can’t believe I did it-something that seemed so impossible. But I did, but only with the Lord’s help. But after doing this marathon, I’ve realized that I rely too much on things and people to bring me through difficult situations. I depend on my friends to lift me up. I throw myself into my schoolwork to forget life. I run to avoid my struggles. So why can’t I just rely on Him to bring me through WHEN I KNOW THAT HE WILL?

He is faithful. I need to hold onto it. I need to meditate on it. I need to BELIEVE it…

Meet Me Here

"If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." -Thomas Edison

I’m about to do something I never believed possible in 4 days. I can no longer tell people that my dad and I are doing a marathon in a few months or several weeks. Nope. It’s this weekend and I can’t believe it. I’ve been so blessed to have such supportive friends throughout these 15 weeks, asking me how my training is going or encouraging me. Several of them have asked me if I’m scared. Honestly, not yet. Once we get to Des Moines though, it will hit me. I've always struggled with self-confidence in anything I do, and I’m trying really hard to expect that God can do the unexpected.

Throughout my training, I’ve asked myself what my motivations are for doing this race. One of them is my dad. He ran 23 miles once, but an injury forced him to stop, and he never finished. I think it haunts him at times. He was so close. And I just really want to see him finish it. Training with my dad has been a really special experience for me, and I know I will look back fondly and treasure our time together. Another reason is for a close family friend, Joey. He died a year ago this month from brain cancer. He’d often ask us about our running events, and he always thought it was neat that my dad and I ran together. I’m also doing this because running a marathon is on my bucket list, and who doesn't like crossing things off of their list?

But the real reason I want to do this is to feel God in a way that I never have before. I want to feel what it’s like to be so physically drained that I have absolutely nothing left. And the only thing I can do to get me to the finish line is to call on the Lord and trust that He’ll bring me through when I don’t think I can handle anymore. I so often put God in a box and underestimate how big and strong he really is. If I can just get a glimpse of what it’s like to give all that I have left in me to Him, then maybe I can learn to rely on Him in other aspects of my life. And the next time I feel like something is impossible, I can call on this experience and remember his faithfulness. I want to feel what it’s like to seek Him and to have Him meet me exactly where I am-whether I’m struggling, waiting, or rejoicing.

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

I pray that you try to give your worries, your fears, your failures, your dreams- all of you- to Him. It is so much easier said than done and it will take effort, but I encourage you to give it a try. And I hope that by trusting Him, He’ll bring you through whatever you’re going through too.

Grace Like Rain

This has seriously been a tough two weeks. I just have not been myself at all. I’ve been distant from my family, my friends, and worst of all, my God. But I asked Him for this. Before this rough stretch started, I prayed for God to something big, anything to make me stop this sin. And God, being so faithful, answered my prayer and brought me to my knees. I’ve never felt so lonely, so joyless, or so miserable than I have lately. I’ve felt no motivation to do schoolwork, to be a friend, to be around people in general, or to do really anything. The lies that I’ve believed for so very long just pounded in my head all day for the past few weeks-until today…

One of my classes got out early, and I decided to go take a run before lunch. It was the first time all week that I’d had enough energy to even think about running let alone do it. So I decided to go run, regardless of the rain coming down. As I started to trot along my usual route, I prayed that I would feel Jesus in some way, and once again he answered. I kept praying for God to just let it pour. And then the song “Nothing but the Blood of Jesus” kept playing in my head, especially the line “What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus,” as the rain came down. And at about the end of the second mile, I just felt Him. I can’t explain it. I just had this peace that He was there with me, and it was overwhelming. Do you know how hard is to see with rain, hair, and tears in your eyes?! Thoughts about how much He loved me, how valuable I was to Him flooded me. I just kept saying that I didn’t want this sin anymore, that I was tired of being apart from Him, that I was finally ready to just let it go and to never look back. And He kept speaking to my heart for the entire 5 miles, whispering truths and giving me such a peace about what is about to happen next on this journey of mine.

Today, I was reminded that He is everything. He is in me. He is of me. He is mine, and I am His. I can’t ever outrun Him. He was in every rain drop that touched me, cleansing me of my worries, my fears, and my failures. It’s that kind of feeling that we long for every single day.

Be there

I have been blessed with amazing friends. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful. They often say exactly what I need to hear or do something thoughtful. They constantly encourage me by asking how my marathon training is going, how my classes are, how my day is going, or by making an effort to say hello in a crowd. And there are times when words are unnecessary, and their presence is enough. It’s the small things that matter the most. I enjoy spending time with them, hearing what’s going on in their life, and encouraging them as well. My friends are very near and dear to my heart.

But I have been a terrible friend lately. When I am struggling with something of my own, my friends are the last people I want to be around. My thoughts are consumed only by what is going wrong, and it’s difficult to focus on anything else. No one wants to be around a person like that, so I choose to simply distance myself from the people I love the most. It’s easier to stay in my own world, no matter how ugly my thoughts are. Yet my friends continue to offer kindness and encouragement. And I get so angry with myself, because I do not offer an ear to listen, a word of encouragement, thoughtfulness, or my presence. I deny them because their selflessness is too much for my selfishness. It breaks my heart that I treat them so poorly, because they don’t deserve that. And I’m sorry. I'm so afraid of losing them.

I'm tired of sitting in this feeling, waiting for God. But I’m stubborn, and I want to do things my own way. I’m caught somewhere between letting myself experience joy, and not allowing myself to feel anything. Between letting my friends in, and ignoring them. Between seeking the Lord with all that I am, and just living my life for myself. Between trusting Him with all of my fears, and worrying about things beyond my control. Between being obedient to God, and continuing to ignore what He is calling me to do. Between getting healthier, and continuing to make stupid choices. Between letting go, and clenching my fists.

But unless I give this to Him, unless I let it go, I’ll stay stuck in this nothingness, and I'll never become the woman God planned for me to be.

The same is true for you, friends.