Things have been tough since my last post. I’m struggling with things at home, working about 7 days a week, and feel so far from friends and God. I haven’t had any fellowship or quiet time and it’s left me so empty and stuck.
I went to go see a friend of mine a few days ago (my only day off in weeks) who lives out in the country. I live in the city. I can handle the interstate and traffic but country roads and highways are terrifying. Why did I keep doubting God? I knew I was going to get there. If I got lost, I had a map and people to call, but I was incredibly anxious the whole way, and I didn’t enjoy the drive at all.
I was so relieved once I arrived in the small town where my friend went to high school. She, another good friend from school, and her cousin were there painting the school. I joined them and we painted, laughed, and caught up with each others’ lives. I began to feel myself relax a bit. Later we drove several country roads and arrived at her house- in the middle of nowhere. It was a beautiful home surrounded by large trees and farmland. Everything was so green. I could really feel the tension from work and home leaving me. My friends and I went to the golf course later in the evening. I had a blast playing a few holes and picking mulberries and eating them. It was a perfect outside-the fields, hills, sun, trees, sounds, and genuine friends. Life’s constraints were gone for a while, and it was freeing.
I zonked out early, exhausted from another week. We all got up at a decent time in the morning, and we spent It together just hanging out and talking. After lunch it was time for me to leave again. Oh crap…
But it was the most amazing drive of my life. God relieved my anxiety through my friend. She gave great directions and reassured me that I would be fine. And because of that, I noticed more things along the road home. Looking all around me, I found myself asking why I ever wanted to live by water or mountains. They were here in Nebraska. The fields were my ocean, the hills were my waves frozen in action and my mountaintops. I could picture God running his hands through the crops like girls do with their hair. Everything was so green, so alive. It was so perfect: speeding along the open road, singing to my favorite songs, and flying with the windows down and the sun shining.
I find it interesting that many people from rural communities or small towns often want to live in the city. But sometimes, all I want to do is get away from the city, work, and reality. That one day off was such a blessing. For a little more than 24 hours I escaped and embraced the peacefulness of open spaces. And because of my friends’ kindness, her family’s hospitality, and God’s faithfulness, I now have a better understanding of solitude and serenity, and long to have a little bit more of it.
I hope you find some too friends…
Friday, June 18, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Gum
Do you ever have days where you just feel like a piece of gum? Chewed up, spit out, and thrown away (if you're lucky). It's just one of those days I guess. No purpose. No drive. No worth. I feel nothing.
I hate days like this. These lies in my head are on repeat, and I'm looking for the stop button. I know they aren't true. In my head, I understand they are false. But why are they so easy to believe?
I'm trying to remind myself that I may feel pathetic,worthless, and unloved, but in God's eyes I am capable, valuable, and loved more than I will ever understand. I've got to hold on to the truth.
Everyone has lies of their own that they hear. Don't believe them either friends...
I hate days like this. These lies in my head are on repeat, and I'm looking for the stop button. I know they aren't true. In my head, I understand they are false. But why are they so easy to believe?
I'm trying to remind myself that I may feel pathetic,worthless, and unloved, but in God's eyes I am capable, valuable, and loved more than I will ever understand. I've got to hold on to the truth.
Everyone has lies of their own that they hear. Don't believe them either friends...
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Steady Pace
I’m a runner but I used to hate it. As an athlete, running was always a form of punishment. I was slow and coaches were always barking at me to go faster. Running sucked. It didn’t feel good either. My muscles burned. My breathing was hard. Why would anyone do this for fun?
At the end of my senior year I would take long walks around my neighborhood, but they would take FOREVER. So I decided to run to the stop sign. Walk. Run to the next light post. Walk. Run to the corner. Walk. It eventually turned into running around the neighborhood without stopping. Two years later, I ran my first half-marathon. It’s one of my proudest moments.
I love running. It’s my stress reliever. It’s freeing. I can go as fast as I want. I can go in any direction I wish. My mind wanders, and I’ll pray a lot. The best part about running has been what God puts on my mind when I go. So here’s the top 5 things He’s taught me about life through running:
1. Hills- I hate running hills. They suck. But I’ve learned that if I look too far ahead, it seems impossible to reach the top. But if you look just a little ways ahead and take smaller steps you’ll get there. In life, there are hills. But you can’t look too far ahead. Baby steps are key. You may not overcome your struggles or the hill as fast as you want, but you’ll get there eventually. Be patient.
2. Good/Bad stretches- There are some days where I feel good. I feel strong. I feel like I could run forever. And then there are some days where I feel like crap. My legs are heavy. The miles seem longer. Just like life, there are good and bad stretches. But you have to keep going. You can’t give up or you’ll never get to where you want to be. You can’t give up or you’ll never be the person you were meant to be.
3. God’ creations are beautiful- My favorite time to run is in the morning. At the park where I run there are two man-made lakes, lots of trees, grassland, wildlife, etc. I love the way the sunlight hits the trees and leaves patches of sunlight on the path and the ground. There are trees, when it’s windy out, that have very small leaves and it looks like its snowing. When I see a deer, I always stop and watch them. Do they know how beautiful they are? The smell of pine trees is my favorite. I’ll close my eyes and take it in. I hear the rhythm of my steps and breathing, the birds, and the wind. I feel the breeze and the sun on my face, the air in my lungs. I smell the trees and the flowers. For a moment, I feel incredibly alive.
4. He feels what you feel- Sometimes I picture Jesus in a sweatband, embarrassing short running shorts, running alongside me, sweating, breathing, just like me. He’s felt my happiness, my pain, my frustration, my weariness. He’s been there. He knows.
5. I can do ANYTHING with Him- I’ve struggled with self-confidence my entire life. I’ve never thought I could do anything. Schoolwork. Things at work. Sports. And every time I start a run, I never think I’ll finish. But God shows me every single time that I can. It makes me wonder what else in life I don’t believe I can overcome.
But most importantly God has showed me through running that life is a journey, and you have to lean on him to make it through to the end. Every step we take toward Him is meaningful. And what an amazing finish this journey with Him will be.
I hope that whatever way you connect with the Lord, whether that’s through your quiet time, walks, admiring nature, prayer, or whatever, that it is meaningful, intimate, and real.
Keep running toward him friends…
At the end of my senior year I would take long walks around my neighborhood, but they would take FOREVER. So I decided to run to the stop sign. Walk. Run to the next light post. Walk. Run to the corner. Walk. It eventually turned into running around the neighborhood without stopping. Two years later, I ran my first half-marathon. It’s one of my proudest moments.
I love running. It’s my stress reliever. It’s freeing. I can go as fast as I want. I can go in any direction I wish. My mind wanders, and I’ll pray a lot. The best part about running has been what God puts on my mind when I go. So here’s the top 5 things He’s taught me about life through running:
1. Hills- I hate running hills. They suck. But I’ve learned that if I look too far ahead, it seems impossible to reach the top. But if you look just a little ways ahead and take smaller steps you’ll get there. In life, there are hills. But you can’t look too far ahead. Baby steps are key. You may not overcome your struggles or the hill as fast as you want, but you’ll get there eventually. Be patient.
2. Good/Bad stretches- There are some days where I feel good. I feel strong. I feel like I could run forever. And then there are some days where I feel like crap. My legs are heavy. The miles seem longer. Just like life, there are good and bad stretches. But you have to keep going. You can’t give up or you’ll never get to where you want to be. You can’t give up or you’ll never be the person you were meant to be.
3. God’ creations are beautiful- My favorite time to run is in the morning. At the park where I run there are two man-made lakes, lots of trees, grassland, wildlife, etc. I love the way the sunlight hits the trees and leaves patches of sunlight on the path and the ground. There are trees, when it’s windy out, that have very small leaves and it looks like its snowing. When I see a deer, I always stop and watch them. Do they know how beautiful they are? The smell of pine trees is my favorite. I’ll close my eyes and take it in. I hear the rhythm of my steps and breathing, the birds, and the wind. I feel the breeze and the sun on my face, the air in my lungs. I smell the trees and the flowers. For a moment, I feel incredibly alive.
4. He feels what you feel- Sometimes I picture Jesus in a sweatband, embarrassing short running shorts, running alongside me, sweating, breathing, just like me. He’s felt my happiness, my pain, my frustration, my weariness. He’s been there. He knows.
5. I can do ANYTHING with Him- I’ve struggled with self-confidence my entire life. I’ve never thought I could do anything. Schoolwork. Things at work. Sports. And every time I start a run, I never think I’ll finish. But God shows me every single time that I can. It makes me wonder what else in life I don’t believe I can overcome.
But most importantly God has showed me through running that life is a journey, and you have to lean on him to make it through to the end. Every step we take toward Him is meaningful. And what an amazing finish this journey with Him will be.
I hope that whatever way you connect with the Lord, whether that’s through your quiet time, walks, admiring nature, prayer, or whatever, that it is meaningful, intimate, and real.
Keep running toward him friends…
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I tried to make it short
I just finished my second year of college, and I can honestly say that it's been the best and the most difficult year of my life. God put some amazing people in my life and I decided to renew my walk with Him.
I had a miserable freshman year. My roommate and I hated each other, I despised living in a small town, and loneliness was the only real friend I had. Because of that, I threw--no--drowned myself in my studies that year. At least schoolwork could distract me from the profound isolation that I felt each day. I wasn't involved in any organizations. I had gone to Campus Crusade once, but I left right after the worship. I had been on fire for God when I was younger but became angry at Him for some stuff that happened in high school. I couldn't face Him. Not yet. He was in no way important to me that first year.
For my freshman zoology final I had to do an insect collect. I would often go around campus alone, but one day the girl who sat behind me in class asked me to join her and her friends to go and catch bugs. She introduced me to new people. She invited me to eat at meal times. She asked me to hang out. Things were better. I was meeting new people and spending time OUTSIDE of my dorm room and the library. Unfortunately, it was the end of the year. There was no way things would be like this next year. But God had planted those seeds of friendship, and they continued to grow from the previous year.
Once school started again, my fears of having another miserable year dispersed. I had an amazing roommate, I was meeting all kinds of people in my classes, and I was even attending Campus Crusade regularly and getting to know other people. But it wasn't until I attended a women's retreat that things started to really change in my life. I had a big test that week and really didn't want to go, but I just had this strong feeling that I needed to. We were divided into small groups and I listened to other girls talk about their struggles, their histories, how God had entered their lives. I even opened up a little bit too. It was weird being so open, so honest. I learned what "quiet time" was. I got a glimpse of what a Christian woman looked like. I started examining my own life and my own struggles. But most importantly, I began thinking about God a lot more. Why would He love me at all? What was I doing for Him? For others? What was my purpose? How did people read the Bible? Why would I ever want to go to church with people who seemed so solid in their faith when I was so weak? Would I ever overcome these personal struggles?
But God’s timing is so perfect. It was at this time that I was seriously struggling with personal stuff, and He put some solid Christian women in my life. There were some senior girls in particular who each began to invest time in me. They would do simple things like ask how my day was, have me over for dinner, or just hang out. I wasn’t used to this. Why would they care about me? There were some dark things about myself that I wanted to share with them, but my greatest fear was that if they knew, they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. I eventually shared my testimony with them, and the love they showed me was amazing. They didn't judge me. They didn't criticize me. Instead, they listened. They cared. I began to be more vulnerable with those closest to me, and God continued to strengthen those friendships in which I was most honest and open.
By the end of the year I was blessed with some of the most real friendships I have ever known. I had some solid friendships in high school, but nothing like this. These people knew me. I mean REALLY knew me, and I knew them too. It was so refreshing to have people in my life that I could just be me around. But now it was the end of the year. My senior friends were starting a completely new phase in their life. Friends my age were transferring. Other friends were traveling the world. I knew things would never be this way again, and I became mad at God. Why would He put these people in my life just to take them away?
So now I arrive to my point of this lengthy post. God is going to put people in your life for specific reasons. You may understand why right away. You may realize why He did later. Regardless, there is a purpose for these people. So take a second look at those in your life right now. These relationships won't be this way forever. They may improve. They may suffer. One thing is for sure, they will change, and that's okay. So take a second. Seriously, stop what you're doing for a minute. Pause and dig the moments with those you love most and praise God for putting them in your life. Because it won't be exactly that way forever.
Keep digging the moments friends...
I had a miserable freshman year. My roommate and I hated each other, I despised living in a small town, and loneliness was the only real friend I had. Because of that, I threw--no--drowned myself in my studies that year. At least schoolwork could distract me from the profound isolation that I felt each day. I wasn't involved in any organizations. I had gone to Campus Crusade once, but I left right after the worship. I had been on fire for God when I was younger but became angry at Him for some stuff that happened in high school. I couldn't face Him. Not yet. He was in no way important to me that first year.
For my freshman zoology final I had to do an insect collect. I would often go around campus alone, but one day the girl who sat behind me in class asked me to join her and her friends to go and catch bugs. She introduced me to new people. She invited me to eat at meal times. She asked me to hang out. Things were better. I was meeting new people and spending time OUTSIDE of my dorm room and the library. Unfortunately, it was the end of the year. There was no way things would be like this next year. But God had planted those seeds of friendship, and they continued to grow from the previous year.
Once school started again, my fears of having another miserable year dispersed. I had an amazing roommate, I was meeting all kinds of people in my classes, and I was even attending Campus Crusade regularly and getting to know other people. But it wasn't until I attended a women's retreat that things started to really change in my life. I had a big test that week and really didn't want to go, but I just had this strong feeling that I needed to. We were divided into small groups and I listened to other girls talk about their struggles, their histories, how God had entered their lives. I even opened up a little bit too. It was weird being so open, so honest. I learned what "quiet time" was. I got a glimpse of what a Christian woman looked like. I started examining my own life and my own struggles. But most importantly, I began thinking about God a lot more. Why would He love me at all? What was I doing for Him? For others? What was my purpose? How did people read the Bible? Why would I ever want to go to church with people who seemed so solid in their faith when I was so weak? Would I ever overcome these personal struggles?
But God’s timing is so perfect. It was at this time that I was seriously struggling with personal stuff, and He put some solid Christian women in my life. There were some senior girls in particular who each began to invest time in me. They would do simple things like ask how my day was, have me over for dinner, or just hang out. I wasn’t used to this. Why would they care about me? There were some dark things about myself that I wanted to share with them, but my greatest fear was that if they knew, they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. I eventually shared my testimony with them, and the love they showed me was amazing. They didn't judge me. They didn't criticize me. Instead, they listened. They cared. I began to be more vulnerable with those closest to me, and God continued to strengthen those friendships in which I was most honest and open.
By the end of the year I was blessed with some of the most real friendships I have ever known. I had some solid friendships in high school, but nothing like this. These people knew me. I mean REALLY knew me, and I knew them too. It was so refreshing to have people in my life that I could just be me around. But now it was the end of the year. My senior friends were starting a completely new phase in their life. Friends my age were transferring. Other friends were traveling the world. I knew things would never be this way again, and I became mad at God. Why would He put these people in my life just to take them away?
So now I arrive to my point of this lengthy post. God is going to put people in your life for specific reasons. You may understand why right away. You may realize why He did later. Regardless, there is a purpose for these people. So take a second look at those in your life right now. These relationships won't be this way forever. They may improve. They may suffer. One thing is for sure, they will change, and that's okay. So take a second. Seriously, stop what you're doing for a minute. Pause and dig the moments with those you love most and praise God for putting them in your life. Because it won't be exactly that way forever.
Keep digging the moments friends...
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