Higher

It’s that time of year again-when schedules for the next semester are published. When there are so many requirements to be met. When I’m expected to exactly where I’m going and what I’m doing with my life. So many times I have asked God what I’m supposed to do. Help others? To better myself? To get married? To make money and support a family? To leave this world a better place? I think these are all good goals, but instead of asking the Lord to tell me what I’m supposed to do, I should let Him use me. Isaiah 55:9 has been on my mind all this week:

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

The more I feel myself striving to understand what He has called me to do, the more I feel myself distancing from Him. When I try to “figure it all out,” I’m blinded, unable to see how He is moving. He asks us to give up our own plans so He can use us without restraint.

Instead of asking him what I’m supposed to do, I have started asking where my passions lie and for whom. And more and more I’m discovering that my passion, my purpose, the focus of my life is so much simpler than I thought. All I want is to enjoy Him and to joyfully honor Him with my words, my actions, my life.

If you’re struggling with this, I pray that you will give your worries to the Lord, and remember that He is using you. Remember that through the Holy Spirit he is using us in some way-whether we realize it or not.

So I’m going to try to be patient and have faith. He will tell me where to go when I need to go. He will tell me what to do when I need to do it. He will tell me what I need to know when I need to know it. His timing is perfect.

So I'll do my best to surrender my ways. They're not my own. I’m yours.

He is faithful

After 16 weeks of training, I’m happy to report that the marathon was a success, and dad and I finished in just under five and a half hours. We couldn’t have asked for a better day: a crisp morning, a light breeze, no rain, and all sunshine. Amongst the 1600 marathoners, there were some pretty amazing people running in the race. I met two women in their late sixties who had run a marathon in every state, another woman who had run 89 (this one was her 90th!), a blind man, a fourteen-year-old girl, and a few other father-daughter pairs.

I won’t lie though, miles 18-24 were pretty rough. At that point in the run, I was seriously questioning if I could finish, and physically, I was beginning to really fatigue. My legs had never been so stiff. As a biology student, I’ve read about lactic acid and anaerobic respiration, but I really understand it now. There’s no way I would have gotten through those miles without my dad or the Lord. At miles 24 and 25, I got kind of emotional. I felt like I was slowing my dad down, I was in pain, and doubting myself and my God. I just asked Him over and over to help me-to just get me to that next water stand, to that next mile marker, to the finish line. And he was faithful, as usual. At the finish line, there was hot pizza-it has never tasted so good.

Since the race got over, I’ve been kind of bummed. I miss getting up early for long runs on Saturdays. I miss catching up with my dad on those runs. I miss relaxing in the whirlpool after a long run. I miss post-run coffee. I miss crossing off the weeks until raceday. I had worked for something bigger than myself for four months. I felt like I had a purpose, like I was working for something meaningful. And now, I’m back to feeling lost. I have no clue what I want to do after college. I don’t really know what I’m good at or what I’m truly passionate about. Several of my friends are dating or getting married soon-I’ve never had a serious boyfriend. I haven’t felt motivated to seek the Lord lately. I often find myself alone, thinking, praying, or studying. But I’m determined to just not worry, and let whatever is meant to happen…happen.

Sometimes I can’t believe I did it-something that seemed so impossible. But I did, but only with the Lord’s help. But after doing this marathon, I’ve realized that I rely too much on things and people to bring me through difficult situations. I depend on my friends to lift me up. I throw myself into my schoolwork to forget life. I run to avoid my struggles. So why can’t I just rely on Him to bring me through WHEN I KNOW THAT HE WILL?

He is faithful. I need to hold onto it. I need to meditate on it. I need to BELIEVE it…

Meet Me Here

"If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." -Thomas Edison

I’m about to do something I never believed possible in 4 days. I can no longer tell people that my dad and I are doing a marathon in a few months or several weeks. Nope. It’s this weekend and I can’t believe it. I’ve been so blessed to have such supportive friends throughout these 15 weeks, asking me how my training is going or encouraging me. Several of them have asked me if I’m scared. Honestly, not yet. Once we get to Des Moines though, it will hit me. I've always struggled with self-confidence in anything I do, and I’m trying really hard to expect that God can do the unexpected.

Throughout my training, I’ve asked myself what my motivations are for doing this race. One of them is my dad. He ran 23 miles once, but an injury forced him to stop, and he never finished. I think it haunts him at times. He was so close. And I just really want to see him finish it. Training with my dad has been a really special experience for me, and I know I will look back fondly and treasure our time together. Another reason is for a close family friend, Joey. He died a year ago this month from brain cancer. He’d often ask us about our running events, and he always thought it was neat that my dad and I ran together. I’m also doing this because running a marathon is on my bucket list, and who doesn't like crossing things off of their list?

But the real reason I want to do this is to feel God in a way that I never have before. I want to feel what it’s like to be so physically drained that I have absolutely nothing left. And the only thing I can do to get me to the finish line is to call on the Lord and trust that He’ll bring me through when I don’t think I can handle anymore. I so often put God in a box and underestimate how big and strong he really is. If I can just get a glimpse of what it’s like to give all that I have left in me to Him, then maybe I can learn to rely on Him in other aspects of my life. And the next time I feel like something is impossible, I can call on this experience and remember his faithfulness. I want to feel what it’s like to seek Him and to have Him meet me exactly where I am-whether I’m struggling, waiting, or rejoicing.

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

I pray that you try to give your worries, your fears, your failures, your dreams- all of you- to Him. It is so much easier said than done and it will take effort, but I encourage you to give it a try. And I hope that by trusting Him, He’ll bring you through whatever you’re going through too.

Grace Like Rain

This has seriously been a tough two weeks. I just have not been myself at all. I’ve been distant from my family, my friends, and worst of all, my God. But I asked Him for this. Before this rough stretch started, I prayed for God to something big, anything to make me stop this sin. And God, being so faithful, answered my prayer and brought me to my knees. I’ve never felt so lonely, so joyless, or so miserable than I have lately. I’ve felt no motivation to do schoolwork, to be a friend, to be around people in general, or to do really anything. The lies that I’ve believed for so very long just pounded in my head all day for the past few weeks-until today…

One of my classes got out early, and I decided to go take a run before lunch. It was the first time all week that I’d had enough energy to even think about running let alone do it. So I decided to go run, regardless of the rain coming down. As I started to trot along my usual route, I prayed that I would feel Jesus in some way, and once again he answered. I kept praying for God to just let it pour. And then the song “Nothing but the Blood of Jesus” kept playing in my head, especially the line “What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus,” as the rain came down. And at about the end of the second mile, I just felt Him. I can’t explain it. I just had this peace that He was there with me, and it was overwhelming. Do you know how hard is to see with rain, hair, and tears in your eyes?! Thoughts about how much He loved me, how valuable I was to Him flooded me. I just kept saying that I didn’t want this sin anymore, that I was tired of being apart from Him, that I was finally ready to just let it go and to never look back. And He kept speaking to my heart for the entire 5 miles, whispering truths and giving me such a peace about what is about to happen next on this journey of mine.

Today, I was reminded that He is everything. He is in me. He is of me. He is mine, and I am His. I can’t ever outrun Him. He was in every rain drop that touched me, cleansing me of my worries, my fears, and my failures. It’s that kind of feeling that we long for every single day.

Be there

I have been blessed with amazing friends. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful. They often say exactly what I need to hear or do something thoughtful. They constantly encourage me by asking how my marathon training is going, how my classes are, how my day is going, or by making an effort to say hello in a crowd. And there are times when words are unnecessary, and their presence is enough. It’s the small things that matter the most. I enjoy spending time with them, hearing what’s going on in their life, and encouraging them as well. My friends are very near and dear to my heart.

But I have been a terrible friend lately. When I am struggling with something of my own, my friends are the last people I want to be around. My thoughts are consumed only by what is going wrong, and it’s difficult to focus on anything else. No one wants to be around a person like that, so I choose to simply distance myself from the people I love the most. It’s easier to stay in my own world, no matter how ugly my thoughts are. Yet my friends continue to offer kindness and encouragement. And I get so angry with myself, because I do not offer an ear to listen, a word of encouragement, thoughtfulness, or my presence. I deny them because their selflessness is too much for my selfishness. It breaks my heart that I treat them so poorly, because they don’t deserve that. And I’m sorry. I'm so afraid of losing them.

I'm tired of sitting in this feeling, waiting for God. But I’m stubborn, and I want to do things my own way. I’m caught somewhere between letting myself experience joy, and not allowing myself to feel anything. Between letting my friends in, and ignoring them. Between seeking the Lord with all that I am, and just living my life for myself. Between trusting Him with all of my fears, and worrying about things beyond my control. Between being obedient to God, and continuing to ignore what He is calling me to do. Between getting healthier, and continuing to make stupid choices. Between letting go, and clenching my fists.

But unless I give this to Him, unless I let it go, I’ll stay stuck in this nothingness, and I'll never become the woman God planned for me to be.

The same is true for you, friends.

In this moment

I’m in Avon, Colorado right now with my family this week. Since our arrival, I’ve been reminded of how much I love the outdoors. The air here is so different from home. It feels lighter, fresher, cleaner. The scent of the pine and spruce trees is invigorating and reenergizes me with each inhalation. It’s hot, but there’s no humidity or heaviness in the air. The sun is more intense, and I can almost feel my skin drinking in the sun’s individual rays. I waded into the Eagle River this afternoon with my sister. The rocks were slippery with plant residue and I almost tumbled into the icy water. The current was moving quickly over the stones and around me, and the sun sparkled brilliantly off the rocks and water. For just a moment I was still, taking it all in. The mountains. The scent of the wilderness. The babbling water. My soaked shorts. The numbing water. The aspen leaves dancing and shimmering in the wind. The breeze inviting in the afternoon rain clouds. I don’t want anything else in this moment, but to hold on to it. Because just like everyone else, my moments are fleeting…

What if?

If you were before me and pointed
Would I go?
If you told me of my beauty
Would I believe you?
If you described your love for me
Would I understand?
If you held me in your arms
Would I pull away?
If you asked me
Would I obey?
If you told me who will be my husband
Would I wait?
If you led me
Would I follow?

If I went
Would you come too?
If I believed
Would the lies stop?
If I understood
Would I love too?
If I didn’t pull away
Would you hold on tight?
If I obeyed
Would you protect me?
If I waited
Would it be real love?
If I followed
Would you never leave?

If I gave you my life
Would I live?

Solitude and Serenity

Things have been tough since my last post. I’m struggling with things at home, working about 7 days a week, and feel so far from friends and God. I haven’t had any fellowship or quiet time and it’s left me so empty and stuck.
I went to go see a friend of mine a few days ago (my only day off in weeks) who lives out in the country. I live in the city. I can handle the interstate and traffic but country roads and highways are terrifying. Why did I keep doubting God? I knew I was going to get there. If I got lost, I had a map and people to call, but I was incredibly anxious the whole way, and I didn’t enjoy the drive at all.
I was so relieved once I arrived in the small town where my friend went to high school. She, another good friend from school, and her cousin were there painting the school. I joined them and we painted, laughed, and caught up with each others’ lives. I began to feel myself relax a bit. Later we drove several country roads and arrived at her house- in the middle of nowhere. It was a beautiful home surrounded by large trees and farmland. Everything was so green. I could really feel the tension from work and home leaving me. My friends and I went to the golf course later in the evening. I had a blast playing a few holes and picking mulberries and eating them. It was a perfect outside-the fields, hills, sun, trees, sounds, and genuine friends. Life’s constraints were gone for a while, and it was freeing.
I zonked out early, exhausted from another week. We all got up at a decent time in the morning, and we spent It together just hanging out and talking. After lunch it was time for me to leave again. Oh crap…
But it was the most amazing drive of my life. God relieved my anxiety through my friend. She gave great directions and reassured me that I would be fine. And because of that, I noticed more things along the road home. Looking all around me, I found myself asking why I ever wanted to live by water or mountains. They were here in Nebraska. The fields were my ocean, the hills were my waves frozen in action and my mountaintops. I could picture God running his hands through the crops like girls do with their hair. Everything was so green, so alive. It was so perfect: speeding along the open road, singing to my favorite songs, and flying with the windows down and the sun shining.
I find it interesting that many people from rural communities or small towns often want to live in the city. But sometimes, all I want to do is get away from the city, work, and reality. That one day off was such a blessing. For a little more than 24 hours I escaped and embraced the peacefulness of open spaces. And because of my friends’ kindness, her family’s hospitality, and God’s faithfulness, I now have a better understanding of solitude and serenity, and long to have a little bit more of it.

I hope you find some too friends…

Gum

Do you ever have days where you just feel like a piece of gum? Chewed up, spit out, and thrown away (if you're lucky). It's just one of those days I guess. No purpose. No drive. No worth. I feel nothing.
I hate days like this. These lies in my head are on repeat, and I'm looking for the stop button. I know they aren't true. In my head, I understand they are false. But why are they so easy to believe?
I'm trying to remind myself that I may feel pathetic,worthless, and unloved, but in God's eyes I am capable, valuable, and loved more than I will ever understand. I've got to hold on to the truth.

Everyone has lies of their own that they hear. Don't believe them either friends...

Steady Pace

I’m a runner but I used to hate it. As an athlete, running was always a form of punishment. I was slow and coaches were always barking at me to go faster. Running sucked. It didn’t feel good either. My muscles burned. My breathing was hard. Why would anyone do this for fun?
At the end of my senior year I would take long walks around my neighborhood, but they would take FOREVER. So I decided to run to the stop sign. Walk. Run to the next light post. Walk. Run to the corner. Walk. It eventually turned into running around the neighborhood without stopping. Two years later, I ran my first half-marathon. It’s one of my proudest moments.
I love running. It’s my stress reliever. It’s freeing. I can go as fast as I want. I can go in any direction I wish. My mind wanders, and I’ll pray a lot. The best part about running has been what God puts on my mind when I go. So here’s the top 5 things He’s taught me about life through running:

1. Hills- I hate running hills. They suck. But I’ve learned that if I look too far ahead, it seems impossible to reach the top. But if you look just a little ways ahead and take smaller steps you’ll get there. In life, there are hills. But you can’t look too far ahead. Baby steps are key. You may not overcome your struggles or the hill as fast as you want, but you’ll get there eventually. Be patient.

2. Good/Bad stretches- There are some days where I feel good. I feel strong. I feel like I could run forever. And then there are some days where I feel like crap. My legs are heavy. The miles seem longer. Just like life, there are good and bad stretches. But you have to keep going. You can’t give up or you’ll never get to where you want to be. You can’t give up or you’ll never be the person you were meant to be.

3. God’ creations are beautiful- My favorite time to run is in the morning. At the park where I run there are two man-made lakes, lots of trees, grassland, wildlife, etc. I love the way the sunlight hits the trees and leaves patches of sunlight on the path and the ground. There are trees, when it’s windy out, that have very small leaves and it looks like its snowing. When I see a deer, I always stop and watch them. Do they know how beautiful they are? The smell of pine trees is my favorite. I’ll close my eyes and take it in. I hear the rhythm of my steps and breathing, the birds, and the wind. I feel the breeze and the sun on my face, the air in my lungs. I smell the trees and the flowers. For a moment, I feel incredibly alive.

4. He feels what you feel- Sometimes I picture Jesus in a sweatband, embarrassing short running shorts, running alongside me, sweating, breathing, just like me. He’s felt my happiness, my pain, my frustration, my weariness. He’s been there. He knows.

5. I can do ANYTHING with Him- I’ve struggled with self-confidence my entire life. I’ve never thought I could do anything. Schoolwork. Things at work. Sports. And every time I start a run, I never think I’ll finish. But God shows me every single time that I can. It makes me wonder what else in life I don’t believe I can overcome.

But most importantly God has showed me through running that life is a journey, and you have to lean on him to make it through to the end. Every step we take toward Him is meaningful. And what an amazing finish this journey with Him will be.

I hope that whatever way you connect with the Lord, whether that’s through your quiet time, walks, admiring nature, prayer, or whatever, that it is meaningful, intimate, and real.

Keep running toward him friends…

I tried to make it short

I just finished my second year of college, and I can honestly say that it's been the best and the most difficult year of my life. God put some amazing people in my life and I decided to renew my walk with Him.
I had a miserable freshman year. My roommate and I hated each other, I despised living in a small town, and loneliness was the only real friend I had. Because of that, I threw--no--drowned myself in my studies that year. At least schoolwork could distract me from the profound isolation that I felt each day. I wasn't involved in any organizations. I had gone to Campus Crusade once, but I left right after the worship. I had been on fire for God when I was younger but became angry at Him for some stuff that happened in high school. I couldn't face Him. Not yet. He was in no way important to me that first year.
For my freshman zoology final I had to do an insect collect. I would often go around campus alone, but one day the girl who sat behind me in class asked me to join her and her friends to go and catch bugs. She introduced me to new people. She invited me to eat at meal times. She asked me to hang out. Things were better. I was meeting new people and spending time OUTSIDE of my dorm room and the library. Unfortunately, it was the end of the year. There was no way things would be like this next year. But God had planted those seeds of friendship, and they continued to grow from the previous year.
Once school started again, my fears of having another miserable year dispersed. I had an amazing roommate, I was meeting all kinds of people in my classes, and I was even attending Campus Crusade regularly and getting to know other people. But it wasn't until I attended a women's retreat that things started to really change in my life. I had a big test that week and really didn't want to go, but I just had this strong feeling that I needed to. We were divided into small groups and I listened to other girls talk about their struggles, their histories, how God had entered their lives. I even opened up a little bit too. It was weird being so open, so honest. I learned what "quiet time" was. I got a glimpse of what a Christian woman looked like. I started examining my own life and my own struggles. But most importantly, I began thinking about God a lot more. Why would He love me at all? What was I doing for Him? For others? What was my purpose? How did people read the Bible? Why would I ever want to go to church with people who seemed so solid in their faith when I was so weak? Would I ever overcome these personal struggles?
But God’s timing is so perfect. It was at this time that I was seriously struggling with personal stuff, and He put some solid Christian women in my life. There were some senior girls in particular who each began to invest time in me. They would do simple things like ask how my day was, have me over for dinner, or just hang out. I wasn’t used to this. Why would they care about me? There were some dark things about myself that I wanted to share with them, but my greatest fear was that if they knew, they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. I eventually shared my testimony with them, and the love they showed me was amazing. They didn't judge me. They didn't criticize me. Instead, they listened. They cared. I began to be more vulnerable with those closest to me, and God continued to strengthen those friendships in which I was most honest and open.

By the end of the year I was blessed with some of the most real friendships I have ever known. I had some solid friendships in high school, but nothing like this. These people knew me. I mean REALLY knew me, and I knew them too. It was so refreshing to have people in my life that I could just be me around. But now it was the end of the year. My senior friends were starting a completely new phase in their life. Friends my age were transferring. Other friends were traveling the world. I knew things would never be this way again, and I became mad at God. Why would He put these people in my life just to take them away?

So now I arrive to my point of this lengthy post. God is going to put people in your life for specific reasons. You may understand why right away. You may realize why He did later. Regardless, there is a purpose for these people. So take a second look at those in your life right now. These relationships won't be this way forever. They may improve. They may suffer. One thing is for sure, they will change, and that's okay. So take a second. Seriously, stop what you're doing for a minute. Pause and dig the moments with those you love most and praise God for putting them in your life. Because it won't be exactly that way forever.

Keep digging the moments friends...