Grace Like Rain

This has seriously been a tough two weeks. I just have not been myself at all. I’ve been distant from my family, my friends, and worst of all, my God. But I asked Him for this. Before this rough stretch started, I prayed for God to something big, anything to make me stop this sin. And God, being so faithful, answered my prayer and brought me to my knees. I’ve never felt so lonely, so joyless, or so miserable than I have lately. I’ve felt no motivation to do schoolwork, to be a friend, to be around people in general, or to do really anything. The lies that I’ve believed for so very long just pounded in my head all day for the past few weeks-until today…

One of my classes got out early, and I decided to go take a run before lunch. It was the first time all week that I’d had enough energy to even think about running let alone do it. So I decided to go run, regardless of the rain coming down. As I started to trot along my usual route, I prayed that I would feel Jesus in some way, and once again he answered. I kept praying for God to just let it pour. And then the song “Nothing but the Blood of Jesus” kept playing in my head, especially the line “What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus,” as the rain came down. And at about the end of the second mile, I just felt Him. I can’t explain it. I just had this peace that He was there with me, and it was overwhelming. Do you know how hard is to see with rain, hair, and tears in your eyes?! Thoughts about how much He loved me, how valuable I was to Him flooded me. I just kept saying that I didn’t want this sin anymore, that I was tired of being apart from Him, that I was finally ready to just let it go and to never look back. And He kept speaking to my heart for the entire 5 miles, whispering truths and giving me such a peace about what is about to happen next on this journey of mine.

Today, I was reminded that He is everything. He is in me. He is of me. He is mine, and I am His. I can’t ever outrun Him. He was in every rain drop that touched me, cleansing me of my worries, my fears, and my failures. It’s that kind of feeling that we long for every single day.

Be there

I have been blessed with amazing friends. I’m incredibly lucky and grateful. They often say exactly what I need to hear or do something thoughtful. They constantly encourage me by asking how my marathon training is going, how my classes are, how my day is going, or by making an effort to say hello in a crowd. And there are times when words are unnecessary, and their presence is enough. It’s the small things that matter the most. I enjoy spending time with them, hearing what’s going on in their life, and encouraging them as well. My friends are very near and dear to my heart.

But I have been a terrible friend lately. When I am struggling with something of my own, my friends are the last people I want to be around. My thoughts are consumed only by what is going wrong, and it’s difficult to focus on anything else. No one wants to be around a person like that, so I choose to simply distance myself from the people I love the most. It’s easier to stay in my own world, no matter how ugly my thoughts are. Yet my friends continue to offer kindness and encouragement. And I get so angry with myself, because I do not offer an ear to listen, a word of encouragement, thoughtfulness, or my presence. I deny them because their selflessness is too much for my selfishness. It breaks my heart that I treat them so poorly, because they don’t deserve that. And I’m sorry. I'm so afraid of losing them.

I'm tired of sitting in this feeling, waiting for God. But I’m stubborn, and I want to do things my own way. I’m caught somewhere between letting myself experience joy, and not allowing myself to feel anything. Between letting my friends in, and ignoring them. Between seeking the Lord with all that I am, and just living my life for myself. Between trusting Him with all of my fears, and worrying about things beyond my control. Between being obedient to God, and continuing to ignore what He is calling me to do. Between getting healthier, and continuing to make stupid choices. Between letting go, and clenching my fists.

But unless I give this to Him, unless I let it go, I’ll stay stuck in this nothingness, and I'll never become the woman God planned for me to be.

The same is true for you, friends.