If there is one thing that has been on my heart more than anything else this year, it has been friendship. We were created for significant and meaningful relationships. We have a deep-seeded need to love and to be loved. God even said “it’s not good for man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). That’s why He blesses us with friends. What’s better than spending time with the people who know you? Being with the people who really understand you – your fears, struggles, triumphs, hopes, frustrations, and dreams – is so encouraging and freeing.
But we have all experienced heartbreak in friendships, too. We intentionally or unintentionally have hurt or been hurt by others’ words, actions, or lack thereof. It could be annoying or incredibly painful. We’ve all experienced both. Obviously friendships, and any relationship for that matter, are complicated. Unfortunately, there are some things about relationships that work against us:
1. We’re human. We mess up. We get jealous. We say things we don’t mean. We do stupid things. We take things the wrong way.
2. Relationships are risky. There will always be a chance that we will be hurt, exposed to who we really are, and disappointed. We don’t want to be misunderstood or rejected.
3. Relationships are hard. They’re really, really hard. They demand time, effort, patience, vulnerability, and understanding. It’s easy and tempting to give up on them. I’m guilty of this too.
I’ve learned more about friendship in the last year and a half than ever have before. Through specific friendships, God has shown me what it means to have a friend, to be a friend, and to adjust to changing friendships.
Like everyone, I have been hurt by friendships. The one that affected me more than any other was my childhood best friend. Some of my happiest memories are of us growing up. We knew everything about each other. She was my sister. One day in middle school, she decided she didn’t want to be my friend any more. It honestly broke my heart. For eight years I have racked my brain wondering why. And even though I’ve asked her, I’m still left without answers.
Fast forward to my sophomore year in college, I was blessed to have three solid Christian women pouring into me. They encouraged me to get into the Word and to be authentic in my relationships. They were more than willing to listen, answer questions, and speak truth. They taught me so much about what it meant to be a woman of God and a friend through their actions and words. It was the first time I had been truly vulnerable since my childhood best friend. But change is inevitable. They graduated and moved on to bigger and better things. They were still close friends of mine (and still are), but it was different not having them around. I had to adapt, which was much more difficult than I had anticipated. I was mad at God for putting these amazing friends into my life, then taking them out of it. What was the point of being authentic and honest with people if they were just going to leave? My guard went up and loneliness became my true friend. Friendship, I determined, was just too hard. Why try so hard?
Before school started last summer, I began praying for a freshman I could pour into and with whom I could develop a solid friendship that was Christ-centered. I wanted to be the kind of friend those girls were to me for someone else. I met her that fall, and we hit it off from the start. God faithfully answered my prayer, but not the way I wanted. She was pouring into me and encouraging me like my friends from the previous year. This scared me. I couldn’t bare the idea of being honest with someone again and then something happening-like she wouldn’t want to be my friend suddenly, or she’d leave and take a piece of me with her.
This year, I’ve sensed him working in this particular friendship more than any other. In the short time that I’ve known her, God has really revealed himself through her and reminded me of so many truths. Through her, I’m reminded that the Lord doesn’t give up on me and pursues me though I’ve tried to walk away. I’m reminded of His forgiveness though I say and do hurtful things (“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you” – Eph. 4:32). I’m reminded of His patience when I mess up. When lies flood my thoughts- “you’re too much and not enough”- I’m reminded of the truth of His Word when she encourages me with a bible verse. (“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” –Eph. 4:29). But more than anything else, I’m learning about trust. When my friend says she will be my friend no matter what, I have to trust her.
I have to trust the Lord that He has a perfect plan for me. I need to believe that the road I’m on is for a reason. I have to trust that what He says is true. And I honestly believe that I am.
I wanted to share my feelings on friendships because we have all experienced the pain and joy that comes with them. I want to encourage you to reflect on your own friendships. Which ones hurt you the most? Which ones do you cherish the most? Why? Do your real friends forgive you and encourage you? I pray that there is someone in your life with whom you are 100% you. I hope that you seek to be the kind of friend that Jesus has been to us-patient, attentive, and forgiving.
Thank goodness for friends who know us and love us anyway. Thank goodness we have a savior who does the same and more.
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